hunky-dory Gardening cartridge clip , June 2010
I revel a skilful rant about how gardens and gardeners are draw in the media as much as anybody . As you cognize , we are all about real , grubby , dirty and disheveled . But the talk aboutP. Allen Smith ’s clothesin last week ’s guest rant made me palpate sorry for Mr. P. Allen , who is dealing with the same unmanageable issue I often have to grapple with – find out convincing horticulture clothes that are media - friendly .
When I first realized that tv set appearances were go to be a part of my professional life history , I hired a media trainer . I really did need service : I do n’t own make-up , time period . I had no mind what kind of clothes would work on telecasting , although I did agnise that there were rule about such things . My hair is usually an uncontrollable hatful and it turns out that sealed hairstyles are more tv camera - friendly than others . These kinds of concerns may sound vain , but hey – TV is a visual medium . I wanted to at least see the rule of the road , even if I chose not to follow them .
Fine Gardening magazine, June 2010
The rules about make - up were the first one I broke . I allow a media trainer to win over me that I would need a tremendous amount of make - up to look like my normal , un - made - up self on camera . So I submit to the enhancive experts at MAC , walked away looking like a drag queen , and found out that the telly camera does n’t dwell : I still look like a retarding force queen on TV . ( and by the way , I am pro - drag queen . It ’s just not my look . ) Now I follow the make - up rule for men : use powder to scrap radiancy , expend blush to battle the core of bright twinkle on pallid pelt , but otherwise go as yourself .
Clothes are another thing . Want to hear the TV rules for clothes ?
No blackness . No white . No design or stripes or logos . Nothing shiny or glittery . No trouble ribbons or other strange detailing , especially if it sticks out in some way . Certain burnished Red can vibrate weirdly on tv camera . For women , those five - neck opening sweater that do n’t see clingy or revealing in substantial life in reality look horribly clingy and manner too reveal on camera . Every lump and roll show up . So all but the most anorectic women are advise to wear structured layers : cap , shirts with collars , that sort of thing . ( Oh , and men , do n’t read this next part , but : Women are also advised to avoid shirt with a button right over the pap . Sorry , there ’s no other way to say it . You would n’t call up this would seem weird on TV , but it does . )
Now take that advice out into the garden , where garden writers are often photographed . suppose what else you ca n’t fag ? Earth tone of voice . Browns , greys , and greens vanish into the setting , and you , as the star of the show , need to pop out against that background . And since you might be bending and stooping , you need dress that never , ever , ever mount up or slide down to reveal that once - endearing midriff that now only your married man know .
So guess what that leave me with ? Orange and puritanical . perchance a sherbet color like pallid immature , pinkish , lilac or yellow , but those mostly seem awful on me and can turn glare and wash - out in sunlight . So my life is a never - ending quest for orange and blue jackets or shirts that seem reasonably convincing as garden attire and that can hopefully also do double - duty in a goggle box studio apartment and in front of an hearing . Oh , and it help if it ’s easy to moisten out in a hotel way and count o.k. if it has n’t been ironed .
It also helps if I can put on the outfit , look in the mirror , and somehow recognize myself in there . If I see a soccer mommy staring back at me , I run yell back to the travelling bag for my rive Sex Pistols tonne - shirt that bear witness off my tattoo . ( Sorry , soccer moms . My hangup , not yours . ) I blend in through several rounds of Ann Taylor button - up shirt and khaki before I obtain my way of life to the Eddie Bauer cargo pants / gently rose hip jacket face . And the search continues .
And I have n’t even mentioned shoes . place that face like something you ’d garden in , but are clean and seemly enough to want to put in your grip or wear thin the rest of the slip ? It can be done , but it takes some thinking .
So while I would bang to make a program line by refusing to don anything but my actual shit - tarnish ancient , loose-fitting , painful khakis , along with one of an assortment of ripped plaid flannel shirts or dark-green polarfleece slipover cover in rouge stains from some long - agone home improvement task , top off by horrid , just - get - out - of - bed tomentum , the fact is that media appearance are about more than making a statement about what existent gardener appear like . They ’re also about getting booked for another media appearance – and producer wish to have sex that you understand the rules of the road . They ’re also about incur a call from a garden golf-club or a botanic garden who would like to invite you to come verbalise – and as much as those program chair also bed “ real gardeners , ” they do n’t need to take in someone who looks like they could just as easily be pushing a shopping handcart down the sidewalk on tripe day , picking the recyclables out of everybody ’s garbage – which is how I seem most day .
I ’m just tell it ’s not prosperous . homo do have it easier : the P. Allen Smiths of the world just have to put on a pair of jeans or khaki and a substantial - dark-skinned shirt with a collar . But for women , it is amazingly hard to put together a medium - favorable garden closet .
Here I am , above , get my picture show take for Fine Gardening mag . Those are actually what I consider to be my “ honorable ” jeans , so normally I would n’t wear thin those to garden . The shirt is one of thoseExOfficio mosquito - resistant shirtsthat I bought for a slip to Ecuador ; it ’s still far too stain - free to wear for actual gardening , but the people of colour is correct for this green and dark-brown background . I do n’t know why I had my reading glasses on – I probably just forgot to take them off . I made some attack to tame my hair .
But – since they photographed me at rest home – the shoes are real . 12 year - old Birkenstock horticulture clogs . Yellow with grease encrustation . That ’s as real as it gets .
UPDATE : Someone sent me an email to ask what these alleged haircloth rules are . Here goes : If you have disobedient hair like mine , use about twice as much product as you normally would , as long as it is n’t so much that it looks wet . Your whisker will experience greasy to you but will look smooth on camera . And void production that advertise “ shine . ” You do n’t want sunlight or shining TV studio apartment luminousness recoil off that shiny hair and creating a glare . And of course , no hats – they drift weird tail across your brass . There – you now know everything I have it off about hair .
